Waves in the form of soldiers under the banner of the sun are now breaking over Auroville. It is a battle without a victor. I am still alive. But the armies of the Heat are creeping into every corner of the rooms. Our brave knights of the Fan are fighting on their highest level. They fight bravely with their hearts full of honour, pride & willpower. But the Blackouts come sudden and drain all of their energy. I don’t know how much longer we can hold out. My body is full of sweat. I am sleeping now in sweat. Even the showers no longer give any refreshment. The water is always heated. Day by day, I live in despair.
What shall we do?
We stand bravely at the front, but I don’t know how long we can hold out.
I have a shift change in two and a half months.
Will I make it until then?
Will I see my family again?
But what about my sweetheart?
She will be here for some time. She can not come with me in August. She is strong, stronger then me, but what if another wave of the Heat hits the country? What will she do then? Maybe the magicians are right. They say, the Heat will lose its power in July, and in August our bodies will be strong again to defy the heat and its queen, the Sun.
I have hope but very often my hope falls deep down in a hole full of despair.
I will be here.
I am alive.
And I will be alive!
And yet sometime I want to give my body to the Heat.
This is my last entry in this book.
After that, I will concentrate on my survival & my inner growth.
With these last pages, I share my experiences with the new recruits riding under the banner of ‚weltwärts‘.
„Know this, honourable warriors, you who are sent out from ‚Weltwärts‘, it will be different from what you expect. Do not be afraid, but be vigilant, with one foot always on the path of curiosity. Keep to the guidelines, but expand them as far as your inner growth needs. It is your life and only you have responsibility and ownership of it, no one else. Not even the elders who have watched over you since birth. There is no right, no wrong. There are only the decisions you make. Keep that in mind!„
Auroville is a place full of discovery.
. You can learn, you can see & observe. You can just go and see where you end up.
But in Auroville you never have enough time to experience everything.
At first, I bit myself in the arse for not attending a particular workshop or event.
So I said to myself:
‚Oh, I have to do this. I have to do that.
When Should I do it?
I have to work, I have to live, I have to eat, drink & sleep.‘
But I came to the conclusion, that these thoughts were not healthy for me.
It just created unnecessary pressure inside me.
So, I stopped to think like that.
I contemplated about myself.
What is really important for me?
What do I really want to do and learn here in Auroville?
So I directed my focus on only a few things:
do sports, get a routine and create my own rhytm & excersices.
learn Massage in a workshop, give and receive it.
be in a relationship & experience love.
write my experiences as stories
be part of a community.
create a film.
Now, I feel good with how I spent my time.
It is not quantity but quality that is decisive.
There is another thing that I noticed afterwards. At the beginning of my journey,
I had many expectations of what my stay in Auroville would be like.
I imagined what the environment would be like and how I spend my time here in Auroville.
I was thinking I would gain scientific knowledge about toilets, composting & organic farming at my Workplace ‚EcoPro‘. I was thinking, that I would wake early up in the morning, to meditate everyday. I was thinking that I smoked my last cigarette in my home. I was thinking I would learn tamil, to understand the people here better. I was thinking, that I will get a glance of every cultural activitiy.
But I ended up learning things I would never have thought of.
I have spent my time in ways & spaces I couldn’t have imagined.
I have felt states of being that I never thought were real before.
I experienced feelings I had never felt before.
I created things I didn’t know were possible.
I transformed into a person I did not know.
Overall, I can say that my expectations didn’t match reality.
Now, I say I couldn’t have made better use of my time.
The reality is fine as it is. Expectations just restricted myself.
But actually the flow of life changes all the time.
If you only focus on one path, the others remain hidden from you.
Yah, I know, pal, this all sounds so esoteric, so mystic, vague and blurry.
I know! I can’t help myself. But that’s how Auroville expresses itself.
Just get used to it!
Remind yourself, be open!
Be open minded and just try things you never thought you would try!
While in the early days I used to reproach myself for spending more time on things that would get me ahead and give me some kind of certificate, over time I have stopped striving for results. I stopped thinking in the term of achievements but in the term of enjoy the process.
So I have also did things that at first glance do not bring me any progress.
Let me give you an example…
Inspired by my sweetheart,
I bought two notebooks
for my notes & to-does.
I started to organize myself
and it just happend in the flow.
That changed everything.
The notebooks became my canvas.
My ideas took shape on sheets of paper,
that I had never seen before.
Even if the ideas were absurd.
Even if I knew I will never realise it.
I just dumped my thoughts on a piece of paper!
With that, a lot in my head made sense.
Suddenly, my head became lighter.
And from this new ideas ignited.
I enjoyed to write down my thoughts.
I enjoyed to vizualize my ideas.
I enjoyed to read through my notes.
And now I see my progress.
My progress in organizing my thoughts.
My progress in my writing style & skill.
My progress in deciding what is important and what is not.
My written words reflect now my own progress of growth.
this text is coming to an end.
I want to tell you one last story.
After that, I’m out of this.
The war with the Heat is not the only conflict going on these days.
In the last weeks, there has been a conflict going on in the community where I live
and I am part of it.
The background doesn’t matter so much.
But what I learned from it carries all the more weight.
I have learned how unfair a discussion can be if there is
no agreement on clear guidelines for a reasonable discussion
& people (myself included) go into the discussion emotionally charged.
I have realised how important it is to stand up for people I love & for myself.
I experienced for the first time how it feels like, when another person dislikes me.
This conflict taught me many things.
And now I see life from a different, more confident perspective.
I have realised, that I don’t have to please everyone.
Not everyone has to like me.
And, even though conflicts are hard and exhausting, they are an
opportunity for growth.
So at the end, I am grateful that I was part of a conflict,
From now on, I will try to overcome my pattern of avoiding a conflict.
I will now extend my comfort zone.
Your Time never comes back!
So make the most out of it!
Be curious, keep an open mind,
expect the unexpected,
do things you like,
even it don’t fit modern society,
extend your comfort zone
enjoy everything, and show compassion to anything.
That’s it, pal!
The last chapter is written.
Words dry up now.
But Life goes on.
I will now go, stand & bravely fight against the Heat.
One last time, then it is over and I can move on with my beloved.
Farewell, you who have taken the time to read my story!
All the wishes in the world for you,